Sweats vs. Stilettos

When I was in college, I first noticed a strange phenomenon regarding the way in which women dressed and how men responded to them. For a week at St. Pats our school would “Green Up” since St. Patrick was the patron saint of engineers and my school was primarily engineering. This included these Kelly green sweatshirts that were the standard uniform for the week, and many other chilly days during the year. They were very unique to the campus. What would happen, then, during this week is that the entire campus would proceed to get drunk and party- they even gave us two days off to do this. Activities began early in the morning and lasted until early in the morning. Due to this fact, it was entirely possible for the students to start off in the day time with the jeans and sweatshirts and end the evening in the same jeans and sweatshirts.

Also during this time, there would be visitors to the campus from other schools in the surrounding areas. At night, the local bar or fraternity parties would have girls showing up in their hot pants, tight skirts, slinky tops and clear indication that they were not “Rolla Girls”. The ratio at my school was 5 guys to 1 girl so the logical thought here was that the men would love this change from their standard fare. Taking a look at these girls all decked out and shiny compared to the slightly disheveled, drunk Rolla girl wearing a green sweatshirt (or some other comfortable clothing), one would think the rolla girls would get ignored. Invariably though, this wasn’t the case. These men would talk to the out of towner girls for a little while and come racing back to the Rolla women. This was not simply out of friendship either. It occurred time and time again that at the end of the night, these girls would be shuffled off drinking their wine coolers to pass out somewhere, while the Rolla girls were still up hanging with the boys and getting all the attention and flirting.

Fast forwarding a few years to life after college, and this behavior is still remarked upon. I’ve heard it several times from many of my girlfriends.


“Why is it that when I look my worst, when I’m all scruffy and not dressed up, is when I get hit on the most.”

I believe that the first initial answer to this question is that a man can see you as you really look and makes the judgment at that time if he can accept you “at your worst.” But I don’t believe that to be true at all. A man will judge whether he will hook up with you at your worst or your best and there really isn’t much different in between. Short of looking absolutely slovenly, of course. I’m not talking about the not showering for days kind of look (although I hear camping can be an adventure in that area).

I think the answer lies in the demeanor of the woman, and that is what a man finds so appealing. The confidence we have to just be ourselves when we’re not trying to impress anyone and just want to have fun. When we get all “dolled up” we tend to be wearing tight, but cute, shoes that invariably rub some spot on our feet. Or we have a shirt or skirt that has to be constantly adjusted to make sure a body part isn’t popping out too far. Tights/hose have to be yanked up and our hair has to be brushed and make up reapplied during the evenings out in order to maintain the “look” that we have going for us.

When we end up going out in our “just bumming it” look, we don’t care about these things. We think that we’re not looking hot so there is really nothing we can do about it at that point so we don’t have to worry about the clothing factor and can just have a good time. Men pick up on this vibe. We’re relaxed and can engage with them more.

Another key thing is that we are more approachable. A man walks in and sees a woman dressed to the nines and acting like it or he looks around and sees another girl smiling in a tshirt, jeans and sneakers at a bar. Remember- a smile is the biggest invitation to a man right off the bat.

Women don’t only dress up for men either, we dress up for each other- the competition. When we aren’t dressed up, we fall off that radar of direct competition with the other women in the room. We aren’t a threat to them directly, so for the comfortable girl, she doesn’t get the added pressure of feeling self conscious with the other women in the room. She already KNOWS she isn’t measuring up and she accepts it.

There are the rare women who look good in everything and at every time and do it naturally. Whether they deal with self confidence issues or not, I don’t know.
But for the rest of us, just think about it the next time you go out. If it’s a Friday night and you know everyone is going to be dressed up- take the time to consciously dress down and see what kind of attention you get. I’m not advocating that we do this all the time, however, for we have to go through the pain of dressing up at times to really fall into the understanding of how comfortable it is not too- and that is the confidence that will attract the men we want.

Where in the Solar System are we?

If a picture is worth a thousand words, then perhaps a glance could be worth a thousand emotions. I recently read that within one glance a man will sum up a woman with one question: “Would I sleep with her?” And then out of that glance about 70% of the women that a man comes in contact with are put into the “No” category. This is the reason they just HAVE to have that look. It is instinct for them to visualize that question and answer it immediately. It is not even considered window shopping, it’s the primal urge they are born with, and while most do it sub-consciously, its still done.

A woman’s primal instinct is to breed, a man’s is to find someone to breed with. We have an entirely different and complex system by which we “instantly” judge a man. I think the problem, however, is that we’re unclear whether those judgments are made from social pressures we are raised to adhere too or if they are the equal instinctual reaction.

While I was waiting for the train recently, I played the game with myself: I looked at all the men within my direct vicinity and asked myself the yes or no question. On no other criteria than looks alone, I ticked off each man into a “yes” “No” and “possibly” category. The interesting thing is that I had to consciously force myself to look around and ask myself this question. On a typical basis, most of the men I see pass by without such a quick assessment of them. Obviously, there are those that catch my eye, and I’ll turn a lustful stare at a well formed ass or nice broad shoulders, but it is not typical.

Why is this? I think that as a woman, my brain has been pre selected what attracts it and what is off limits. It also has the capability to desire more than just the “physical”. I am looking for not only a mate, but a potential father. I also know for myself that I wait to see who tries to catch my attention. If a man stares at me, I don’t think “sex” I think, Wow..he has nice eyes, or .. do I have food in my teeth?

How much of this thinking has been a condition of my upbringing? Wouldn’t it make more sense, logically, for me to want to “try out” as many potential partners as possible in order to ensure the best choice for my future offspring? Lets hear it for natural selection! Men are encouraged in this type of behavior from early on, whereas women who show an inclination towards it are shunned, put down, or have it corrected as bad behavior.

The women of the late 60s/70s understood this concept and practiced free love, but it was unfortunately coupled with the explosion of drugs. This free love concept got shot down as a side effect off too much acid instead of being held up as a changing historical trend for women.

Fast forward 30 years to the millennia. The availability of education for all and mass trends in communication have leveled the playing field between men and women in the work force and every year the glass ceiling gets closer and closer to shattering.

And yet on the mating level, the trends are showing higher rates of divorces than ever before. Are the sexes, on an instinctual level, being brought up with conditional responses that put us too far apart to understand each other at the fundamental levels anymore?

I don’t believe it is the requirement that the “MEN” in the world adapt themselves to suit us, instead, I think we should be modifying our own behaviors as women to get back to our basic instincts. If we could do that for ourselves and our future generations, we might be able to rectify the widening gap and realize that in the end, we are ALL from Earth.

Aw Chutes, I fell off my Ladders

Reminisce with me for a moment back to your childhood days and all the board games that were played back then. These brightly colored challenges were not only instrumental in learning motor and communicational skills at a young age- they were the building blocks of the “life lessons” we all have to learn.

Take, for instance, the game of Chutes and Ladders: The purpose of this game was to reach the top of the board starting at the bottom by advancing based on the number chosen by a spinner. The challenge came in through the form of the Chutes and Ladders that were on the game. If a player landed on a square with a Ladder, they could advance from one to many rows closer to the goal, and if a player landed on a Chute, they had to slide down the rows and squares farther from the goal. If a player never landed on a square with a shoot or a ladder, they could still reach the end of the game.

How is this a life lesson? It demonstrates in small doses, the feelings of the ups and downs we all eventually experience. The spinner is relative to the “Chance” in our lives. It is through chance that we experience good luck, and therefore get to go up in life and that same chance can send us back down again. I can remember playing the game and having a rush every time I got closer to the goal and the disappointment of having to slide down- even if the SLIDING down part was more fun sometimes, it still left me farther behind than I was before.

The social interaction experienced during this simple game is also a part of the lesson. Although you have a better chance of winning with a two player game, it is sometimes much more fun the more competitors you have. And what about those competitors?

Remember the poor losers? They would always cry or throw a tantrum even though it was only chance that led them to losing. They might blame the other players for their loss.

How about the poor winners? The gloaters who ran around saying “I WON, I WON” and making a big deal about how great their win was. Sometimes this behavior is what would set off a poor loser.

The gracious winners/losers are always there- the ones who smile and clap and want to play again- regardless of who won or lost.

The cheaters existed- the ones who would try to make the spinner stop exactly on the number they wanted, or pushed their piece ahead a square or row when no one was watching.

And finally- the purposeful loser- the one who threw their OWN game in order to be well liked by NOT winning when they had every opportunity too. (Parents usually fell into this category).

These are the behaviors of people from age 6 to 96. When you go back to your own childhood gaming experiences- what type of player were you then?

Are you still that type of “game” player now? I bet most of us are- or have versions of that former self still ingrained into us.

Maybe we should all revisit our childhood games and take a closer look at just how well we play with others.